Fariza

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15

I am a firm believer that human beings are not naturally wired to forgive because the flesh is not capable of it.

One of the biggest tragedies that I have witnessed and experienced over the years in the Western church is how much we cheapen the weight of forgiveness. Too often, forgiveness is reduced to a lukewarm, surface-level Sunday message: “Forgive and you will be forgiven.” And we don’t actually teach Christians the practical steps they need to take to forgive.

So, we say our little prayer, raise our hands during the worship, exchange a few superficial, phony conversations in the lobby, and then send people off to deal with their pain on their own. Forgiveness may feel possible briefly during a spirit-led service, but when Monday morning comes rolling back in. We realize that the the pain of unforgiveness is still there. It didn’t disappear.

So, we feel guilty for not being able to get over something the pastor told us we must do. Now, we are not only dealing with unforgiveness but also guilt for not being holy enough. 

I guess, thanks for nothing, pastor.

But here is the thing: forgiveness is not optional; it is not a gentle suggestion or a recommendation; it is a command. Just as God said, “You shall not kill. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not covet,” He also commands us to forgive. But we have to remember that His commands are not designed to punish us but rather protect and heal us.

Forgiveness is not easy. But what if I told you the way you have been told to forgive isn’t the way God actually designed us to forgive? 

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not a feeling you can summon whenever someone tells you to forgive. Nor can you force yourself to forgive even if you really want to. Imagine slicing your finger with a knife, watching the blood gush out, and pressuring yourself not to feel the pain, hoping the bleeding will somehow stop on its own. It doesn’t work that way. Wounds need surgeries and stitches to heal over time. 

Also, forgiveness does not mean forgetting the cause of your pain. Do not justify the perpetrator or diminish the hurt you experienced. Forgiveness is not about excusing the offender. The goal of forgiveness is not a state of amnesia. God doesn’t want us to pretend it never happened. God doesn’t want us to forgive and forget. God doesn’t like hypocrites. Tell him exactly how you feel, who hurt you, and how they did it. Give Him the specifics so He can start working on the vengeance for you.

What Unforgiveness Is

“Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.” – Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score.

Unforgiveness is a trauma response. Most of the time, when people hurt us, they trigger our deepest wounds. Rarely do we care about people attacking something we do not have an emotional connection to. We have a hard time forgiving because the trauma is often deeply embedded within our subconscious mind. I hate to be one of those people, but everything is truly connected to your childhood traumas. We bond with people who trigger our childhood traumas, and we let them hurt us because they feel familiar. And when they do that, trauma gets stored in the body. 

Unacknowledged trauma stays buried in the body. It then begins to shape your reality — your life, your relationships, and even your faith.

Unforgiveness often disguises itself as strength, creating a delusion that we are holding on to power. We think, “If I forgive, I will come off as weak, and I will give my wrongdoer more power over me.” But in reality, you are giving a legal authority to the demonic world to torment you even more. 

The sad reality is that unforgiveness often feels natural while forgiveness is perceived as unfair and unjust. Every fiber of our flesh wants to cling to the control of unforgiveness. It is a powerful emotion that inspires us to seek justice. It ignites our passion to make things right, but the reality is that it is a trap. It’s a trap designed by the enemy to keep people stuck so he can manipulate them into doing his dirty work. When we refuse to forgive, the enemy begins to hurt us emotionally, spiritually, physically, and even financially. Unforgiveness opens the door to demonic oppression. It keeps you in a cycle of victimhood where your spiritual growth stagnates and delays your God-given promises. 

The Consequences of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness doesn’t just live in the mind; it takes a toll on your physical well-being. Research shows that unforgiveness is linked to a wide range of health problems, including cardiovascular problems, weakened immunity, digestive disorders, hormonal imbalance, and more. Think how unfair this is to you; your perpetrator may have wounded you emotionally or even physically, and now, by holding on to unforgiveness, you allow them to keep hurting you through the damage it does to your health.

Remember that unforgiveness is a gain. What do I mean by that? When we have a hard time forgiving, that means we willingly or unwillingly meditate on the negative thoughts. Our minds constantly remind us of how we got hurt. 

If you are not someone who avoids pain or numbs it with alcohol, drugs, and other addictions, rumination is a natural response. Many people shut off their brains because the memories are too painful. It is a coping mechanism designed by your brain to protect you from harm. That’s why you go into the freeze mode. Your nervous system does not know the difference between a traumatic event happening right now or many years ago. 

Studies have also shown that our thoughts actualize or manifest in real life. The more we dwell on the pain, the more we are likely to repeat it ourselves.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Remember Absalom from 2 Samuel, David’s son, whose sister Tamar was raped by her own brother Amnon. Think of him when you think about unforgiveness next time. Absalom had every right to be angry at what happened to his innocent sister. However, his refusal to forgive consumed him, and drove him to murder a lot of people. Eventually, it led to his tragic death.

None of the revenge he took satisfied his wrath.

If you don’t forgive, there is a huge chance that you will end up hurting someone the same way someone else hurt you. Unforgiveness is a toxic cycle that repeats itself. 

When someone wounds you, trauma imprints itself on your body. You are no longer the same, because trauma does not vanish with time. When people say that time heals all wounds, they are lying. Time heals the effects of the pain over time, but it does not heal it. You have to put in the work to heal yourself with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Trauma also distorts your reality. You begin to see the world through the lens of your trauma. You no longer trust people the way you used to, love the way you used to, and you are no longer generous with your energy or resources as you once were. Trauma robs you, and if you don’t actively work on healing it, it will slowly but surely lead you down a path of self-destruction. 

Wounds take time to close, but they cannot heal if they are never treated.

How Forgiveness Actually Works

Do not romanticize it. Forgiveness is a process. If you want to forgive, do not pretend that it is easy or noble. If you don’t actually feel forgiveness within your body and soul, you have not forgiven yet. First of all, when someone has hurt you, acknowledge it. What happened to you was an act of evil that deserves punishment. Second, feel the pain in your body. Stare at it, name it, observe it, and let it flow through your body. Let God show you what is actually going on in your heart. Let the Lord highlight parts of your soul that need healing. You would be surprised what God might reveal to you. Most of the time, the current pain that you are experiencing is directly connected to the way you were hurt as a child. Jesus wants to rescue and heal that child. 

And while you are working on healing your inner child, consider this.

In many cases, in the midst of our healing journey, we tend to only focus on our pain and unintentionally disregard that other people are hurting too. Human beings by nature are self-centered. We usually only focus on our world, our problems, and our hurt. We become obsessed, almost addicted to our sadness. We worship our sorrows in many cases without even realizing it. 

Forgiveness requires self-awareness and a high degree of emotional intelligence. 

There are always two sides to the story. It usually takes two to tangle. All human beings are born into sin and have a natural tendency towards evil. As it is written in Romans 3:10, “There is no one righteous, not even one.”

Think about this: What makes you think you wouldn’t have hurt someone the way they hurt you? You might think, “I am a better person, I would never do such a thing.” And that might be true. But the reality is, under different circumstances, you might have done the exact same thing. That is why humility is one of the most important Christian virtues. Forgiveness requires humility.

Unforgiveness is a stronghold, but we rarely hear Christians talk about how to actually break it. We pray on it, confess it, and we seek deliverance, but it doesn’t always work for everyone. Most of the time, God’s healing process is long and very painful. That is how sanctification works.

Letting God to sanctify you is a choice. God will never force His will upon you. You might feel like forgiveness lets your offender off the hook because deep down, we long for justice. And some might choose to seek revenge, but trust me, it will lead to more bitterness and resentment. 

If you let God fight on your behalf, you will not be disappointed. When the Almighty has your back, it is practically over for all those who have hurt you. There is a reason why He says that vengeance is His.

Why You Must Love Yourself More Than Your Pain

If you are someone who easily forgives and moves on, this may not apply to you. You are fortunate and better than most people. But if you are like me, someone who can hold a grudge until the second coming of Jesus, this might be helpful. If you want to forgive, you have to be selfish. I know it sounds very un-Christian of me to say, but you must love yourself more than your pain.

Think about it this way: imagine the evil person who hurt you. Now, picture them not caring that you are hurting because they hurt people like you all the time. That’s how evil people thrive. The vast majority of cruel people are evil for a reason. Childhood trauma can disrupt normal brain development, including areas involved in empathy and self-regulation. In psychopathy, brain regions related to empathy and moral decision-making may function abnormally, leading to reduced emotional empathy. That is why psychopaths and narcissists hurt people and feel nothing. It is not normal for a human to hurt someone and not apologize or try to make it better. Remember, broken people are not capable of feeling empathy the way normal human beings do. And the sooner you realize that, the easier it will be for you to forgive.

Many decent, morally grounded people struggle with forgiveness because they cannot comprehend the fact that someone could deliberately cause harm to an innocent person.

Remember, while you are stewing in your bitterness and unbelief, they continue living their lives. Don’t give them any more power to continue hurting you. How is this fair to you? It is not. So, make a conscious choice to let go. One day at a time. Choose yourself because unforgiveness only hurts you. You have be selfish when it comes to your healing journey.

The God That Heals

Lastly, forgiveness is only possible with God. You can do all the work on your own, go to therapy, read all the books, do all the body work, but ultimately, you need God to bring healing into that wound. Let God breathe life into that broken part of yourself.

God will restore your nervous system if you allow Him. Jesus will take you through a process. There are over 200 verses in the Bible that talk about forgiveness. The entire Christian faith is rooted in this principle. He forgave us first so we could forgive others. God came into this world to forgive sins. Forgiveness is central to Christianity. If you claim to be Christian but do not strive to forgive, then you need to reevaluate your salvation.

So, does God want us to forgive? Absolutely. God uniquely orchestrates events in your life to take you on a journey of forgiveness. God moves according to his terms and timeline, and never ours.

Forgiveness is a process of sanctification.

When you choose to forgive, you break the cycle of evil. When you decide to forgive, you heal your physical body. Forgiveness might feel like defeat, but let me remind you that no one on this side of the world or the next will get away with anything they do. No one gets away with doing evil. Call it karma, call it Divine Justice, but it exists. No one is going to escape the wrath of God. So, do not be afraid to pray David’s prayer to smite your enemies because trust me, He will. Let God be the judge because He is better at it than you are. 

Enjoy your life and let God fight your battles for you.