This April, we say goodbye to America’s favorite psychopath: Joe Goldberg from Netflix’s hit show You. Penn Badgley — who first captured hearts as Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl — has, for the past eight years, embodied a very different character: a tortured romantic who wants desperately to do the right thing, but somehow keeps ending up murdering people… and getting away with it.
You can’t help but sympathize with Joe once you learn about the trauma he endured as a child, yet at the same time, you want justice for the evil he inflicts on others. It’s the unsettling brilliance of the show: you feel torn between empathy and horror. The final season premiered on April 25. And thank God for streaming services — we’ll get to binge all 10 episodes. In today’s world of short attention spans, for a TV show to captivate audiences for hours at a time is a remarkable achievement. You is addicting. Joe Goldberg is addicting.
Caroline Kepnes, the creator and original writer of the novels the show is based on, did an extraordinary job of depicting a type of mental illness that runs rampant in society — a darkness that is often hidden, admired, or even rewarded, rather than exposed and punished. Joe Goldberg looks like any normal guy you might bump into at a bookstore — safe, even charming. But once you get close, he is satan reincarnate.
It’s his inner monologue — the second character in the series — that reveals who he truly is. Across five seasons, Joe has tried to convince us (and himself) that he’s not a monster — that the murders he commits are justified, necessary even, for love or “the greater good.”
Joe’s story is a warning.
You is a must-watch for any young woman trying to navigate relationships, trust, and identity in today’s world. There are powerful lessons buried in this psychological thriller — lessons about how to spot unsafe people and protect yourself before it’s too late.
How to Spot Unsafe People?
The truth is harsh: The “Joes” of the world walk among us.They are our bosses, presidents, teachers, parents, friends, spouses, and siblings. At some point in your life, you will encounter one of them.
I recently stumbled upon a video of Gabor Maté, a world-renowned expert on addiction, stress, and childhood development, speaking with a man who had struggled with heroin addiction. After asking the man a series of questions, Maté demonstrated that his addiction stemmed from his childhood. The warmth the addict felt while injecting heroin was the same warmth he had been missing as a neglected child. Every time he used drugs, he was trying to recreate the feeling he needed most — the comfort and love his parents failed to provide. Heroin became the mother or father he never had.
This is exactly how toxic people — narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths — navigate life, too. Many of them are addicted to various substances because they need to numb the feelings of misery and fractured empathy they carry. The safety and love their parents were supposed to provide in childhood, they now seek through substances — and more dangerously, through hurting other people. Hurting others becomes their favorite high. It’s almost as if they are trying to punish others for what their parents did (or failed to do) to them. It gives them temporary satisfaction, but once that fades, they seek a new victim. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell they live in.
Emotionally damaging others makes them feel powerful because, deep down, they have very low self-esteem and hate who they are, but they don’t want the world to see that. So, they use people as mirrors, projecting their insecurities onto others. This way, they avoid facing their demons or taking responsibility for their actions. Blaming others is easier than doing the hard work of healing.
Unsafe people navigate the world wearing masks. Sometimes, those masks are crafted by studying their victims. Toxic people love to listen and observe so they can become the person you would naturally trust the most. They learn about your childhood wounds, your weak spots, your values, and later use that information against you.
The “love-bombing” phase is when the toxic person presents themselves as the most perfect human being you could ever meet. They seem kind, caring, present, generous, protective, and attentive. They text and call frequently, shower you with gifts, make time for you, and create memorable experiences. They will form a bond with you through shared trauma, seeking your sympathy by portraying themselves as deeply misunderstood, despite their efforts to “help” others.
They put you on a pedestal. They charm you, listen intently, and then morph into whatever they believe will secure your trust and attachment. They create the illusion of a dream person. They love-bomb you, get you addicted to their presence, build a bond of trust, and then they slowly start to pull away.
And when they start to pull back by taking away their attention and presence from you, the nightmare begins. This is when they tear you down from the pedestal and send you into emotional hell. By this point, they have chemically bonded you to them, and they know exactly how much power they have. This is the phase where women or men struggle the most. When the dopamine and serotonin highs are stripped away, you experience emotional withdrawals similar to a drug addict’s.
It is during this time that the toxic person experiences the greatest satisfaction — the desire to be wanted, chased, and pursued mimics the longing they once had for the love of their emotionally or physically abusive or absent parent who hurt or neglected them. It’s a sick, twisted revenge dynamic — parent-child trauma played out through adult relationships.
In Joe’s world (from the show You), women exist to satisfy his sexual desires and emotional needs. Joe is a misogynist who believes women were created to meet his demands. In every woman he meets, he searches for his mother, desperately hoping that one of them can fix the brokenness left behind by his childhood trauma.
Throughout the show, flashbacks reveal Joe’s painful upbringing, making his toxic behavior more understandable, though not justifiable. It is almost always rooted in childhood trauma, and the more severe the trauma, the more damage these individuals inflict on others in adulthood.
There’s a powerful scene where a character explains how women get trapped in abusive relationships: You can’t believe it’s happening to you. When it does, you think, How did I get here? How did I let this happen? You may believe you are smart and experienced enough to avoid manipulation. But by the time you realize what’s happening, you are so entangled that you can’t even see a way out. But know this — the way out exists.
The show reminded me of the critical importance of shedding the shame associated with being abused by a toxic person. You should not be ashamed of what happened to you. It can happen to anyone, no matter how old, smart, strong, or discerning you are. These walking demons in human flesh will do anything to break the soul of a beautiful, strong, intelligent, and kind-hearted human being.
The path to recovery is long, but it is possible.
How to Protect Yourself from Unsafe People?
Go to Jesus, and study the Word of God. Scripture is filled with wisdom and principles that can help you recognize and protect yourself from unsafe people. Jesus is safe. He can protect you. Spend time getting to know yourself — your triggers, your needs, and your vulnerabilities. Healing your childhood wounds is crucial because unresolved pain can make you an easy target for toxic individuals. Emotional resilience and emotional intelligence are essential tools. Learn to build them.
Be cautious with people whose words or actions seem too good to be true, especially early on. Healthy relationships grow slowly and naturally over time. If someone is rushing intimacy, consider it a red flag. Set boundaries early, and if someone repeatedly disrespects them, let that be your signal to walk away. A person who does not respect your boundaries will not prioritize your well-being.
Toxic people are takers. They are often referred to as energetic vampires for a reason: they will drain you without a second thought, without remorse, and without compassion. Once you are depleted, they rarely, if ever, give anything back.
When you experience trauma at the hands of an emotionally abusive person — whether a narcissist, a psychopath, or a chronic liar — it alters your brain function and changes the way you perceive the world. Healing requires intentional work. Study neuroplasticity and actively help your brain recover from the effects of abuse.
Therapy, surrounding yourself with safe and supportive people, regular exercise, time spent in nature, avoiding negative media, reading uplifting books, and eating nourishing foods are just a few ways to rebuild emotional health. A strong, healthy mind and body are your greatest defense against manipulation.
Toxic individuals often prey on those who are emotionally vulnerable — people who have been wounded by life and are still carrying invisible scars. This is why emotional resilience is so important. The healthier and more grounded you become, the harder it is for unsafe people to access you.
Choose healing. Choose wisdom. Choose to protect the incredible person God created you to be.
Divine Justice:
Joe’s warped vision of love is rooted in childhood trauma. Throughout You, we see flashbacks: a neglected, broken boy, searching endlessly for the mother who abandoned him. But trauma is not an excuse for evil. Joe believes women exist to fulfill his needs. He is a misogynist, a manipulator, a predator — and a mirror of what unchecked trauma, narcissism, and sin can produce. Joe embodies the spirit of Lucifer: Charming. Deceptive. Deadly. Yet, just as Christ has already defeated Satan, justice eventually finds Joe.
In the final scenes of You, Joe receives a life sentence. A part of me wanted a harsher punishment — death. But maybe slow suffering is a greater justice. Trapped alone, Joe must face the demons he can no longer escape. And when his earthly sentence ends, divine justice awaits him too.
The world is full of Joe Goldbergs. We cannot escape them because people who shouldn’t have children keep having them.
If You teach anything, it’s this: Love is the need every human being is born with. And the absence of real love creates monsters. God is love. We are made in His image. When real love is missing, darkness rushes in. You reminds us that the battle between good and evil is real — both out there, and inside of us. In Christ evil has no power over us. Thanks be to God for His sacrifice on the cross.
Fariza 